Trump People’s Court – SNL


>>>HE IS ASKING FOR BROAD
UNCHECKED POWER, WILL HE GET IT?>>THESE ARE THE DEFENDANTS.
THREE JUDGES FROM THE NINTH CIRCUIT COURT WHO HEARD THE CASE
FOR TRUMP’S BAN, AND SAID NOT IN OUR HOUSE.
THEY’RE ACCUSED OF LETTING BAD HOMBRES POUR INTO THIS COUNTRY.
>>ALL RISE DO YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE TRUTH, WHOLE TRUTH AND
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP YOU GOD.
>>WE DO.>>MR. PRESIDENT.
>>I’M GOOD.>>ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU. FIRST OF ALL, MR. TRUMP, YOU
UNDERSTAND THIS IS A V COURT RIGHT?
>>THAT’S OKAY. I AM A TV PRESIDENT.
>>SO YOUR TRAVEL BAN HAS BEEN REJECTED AS UNCONSTITUTIONAL,
ONCE AGAIN, HERE YOU ARE. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, MAN?
>>WELL, THANK YOU, JUDGE, OR WHAT DO YOU CALL A LADY JUDGE, A
FLIGHT ATTENDANT? SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
I SIGNED A TREMENDOUS TRAVEL BAN.
I DON’T — I DIDN’T READ IT. BUT I SIGNED IT.
PEOPLE TOOK PICTURES OF ME HOLDING UP A PIECE OF PAPER.
VERY OFFICIAL. THESE JUDGES HAVE BEEN VERY
DISRESPECTFUL. I’M RIGHT.
THEY’RE WRONG. I WANT THE BAN LIFTED.
ALSO I WANT $725. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW, EARLIER THIS WOMAN ASKED ME TO AWARD HER
JOINT CUSTODY OF A SNAKE AND SHE HAD MORE OF A CASE THAN YOU.
OKAY? ALL RIGHT.
LET ME ASK THE CIRCUIT COURT JUDGES.
>>SO CALLED.>>EXCUSE ME?
>>SO-CALLED. SO-CALLED JUDGES.
>>EXCUSE ME, MR. TRUMP, THESE THREE ARE FEDERAL JUDGES.
OKAY, THEY’RE ACTUALLY MORE REAL THAN I AM.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] OKAY.
JUDGES, WHY DID YOU AGREE WITH THE LOWER COURT’S PROJECTION OF
THE BAN.>>YOUR HONOR IT WAS OUR
CONCLUSION THE BAN VIOLATED THE ESTABLISHMENT CLAUSE BECAUSE IT
INCLUDED A RELIGIOUS TEST.>>[ LAUGHTER ]
>>OVERRULED.>>ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.
PRESIDENT TRUMP, THAT’S ENOUGH. OKAY.
>>I WILL ALLOW IT. I WILL ALLOW IT.
>>ALRIGHT.>>ALRIGHT, MR. TRUMP, DO YOU
HAVE ONE LEGITIMATE REASON WE NEED THIS BAN?
>>OF COURSE I DO. IT IS SO SIMPLE.
THE BAD PEOPLE ARE POURING IN. AND YOU SEE THEM, AND IT’S ISIS,
SAN BERNARDINO, CHICAGO, I MEAN, LOOK AT CHICAGO.
THE BAILIFF KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
AM I RIGHT? YOU KNOW, MY MAN, YOU KNOW —
BAD HOMBRES, BAD BOYS — I MEAN, THESE BAD BOYS, BAD
BOYS, WHAT YOU GONNA DO? WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
>>YOU WANT TO BRING A CHARACTER WITNESS?
>>YES, SOME ONE WHO HAS KNOWN ME FOR YEARS, INCREDIBLE PERSON,
WITH IMPECCABLE CREDENTIALS, MR. VLADAMIR PUTIN.
>>AN AUTHORITARIAN LEADER WHO INVADED OTHER COUNTRIES AND
KILLED RIVALS. HE’S PRESIDENT TRUMP’S LONG-TIME
CRUSH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>VLADAMIR IS AN AMAZING PERSON.
HE KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ANYONE.>>THAT’S RIGHT.
EVERYBODY, COME ON! LAY OFF PRESIDENT TRUMP.
OKAY. THIS MAN IS GREAT FRIEND.
HE IS MY LITTLE AMERICAN HAPPY MEAL.
HE DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. HE’D GO AGAINST HIS OWN COUNTRY
JUST TO MAKE US HAPPY, OKAY. WE GOOD HERE?
COOL. SEE YOU AT MAR A LAGO, BABY!
>>THAT’S IT. PRESIDENT TRUMP, LOOK I READ THE
BAN. IT SEEMED RUSHED EVEN TO ME.
I DECIDE THREE COURT CASES IN AN HOUR, OKAY.
I SEE NO EVIDENCE THAT IT WILL HELP.
SO I AM SORRY TO SAY.>>I WANT TO SETTLE.
>>EXCUSE ME?>>SETTLE.
SETTLE OUT OF COURT.>>MR. PRESIDENT.
>>WE SETTLED, AND SO WILL YOU.>>NO, I WON’T.
AND LET ME JUST SAY, YOU ARE DOING TOO MUCH.
I WANT ONE DAY WITHOUT A CNN ALERT THAT SCARES THE HELL OUT
OF ME. ALL RIGHT.
I JUST — I JUST WANT TO RELAX AND WATCH THE GRAMMYS.
AND NO ONE HAS EVER SAID THAT. THAT IS MY DECISION.
>>JUDGE RULES FOR THE NINTH CIRCUIT JUDGES.
OUR NEXT CASE, ON THE PEOPLE’S COURT.
THE PLAINTIFF IS PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP.
THE DEFENDANT IS A MANAGER AT NORDSTROM WHEN WE RETURN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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