RPC-916 The Time Traveler’s Handbook | Beta-Yellow | Chronological / Sapient Hazard rpc


RPC-916 The Time Traveler’s Handbook Object class beta-yellow Registered Phenomena Code: 916 Object Class: Beta-Yellow Hazards: Chronological Hazard, Sapient Hazard Containment Protocols: RPC-916 instances are
currently contained within permanent Alpha-Class storage containers at Site-016 or Site-038. In the event that containment of all acquired
RPC-916 instances is no longer feasible for any reason, destruction of RPC-916 instances
is to be allowed after the instances are digitally scanned. An Authority webcrawler has been created for
the purposes of detecting any mentions of RPC-916 on internet forums and book sharing
websites, and the anomalous scientific community is to be monitored for the construction of
a device capable of controlled temporal displacement. A false buy order on booksellers for a book
matching the description of RPC-916 has been established and is to be regularly maintained. Retrievals of RPC-916 instances are to be
considered one of the top priorities for personnel with involvement in chronological anomalies. Any individual found in possession of RPC-916
is to be detained and questioned on the means of which RPC-916 was acquired. Individuals who originate from either the
present or have displaced within a twenty (20) year period are to be amnesticized and
released, while individuals with a chronological displacement of over twenty years are to be
detained until methods of returning individuals to their original time periods are devised. Description: RPC-916 is a book of varying
size, language, and colour, titled “The Time Traveler’s Handbook – The Definitive Guide
to Not Fucking It Up” in whichever language RPC-916 is composed of. RPC-916 displays no special resistance to
age-related wear and use or physical damage, and possesses no anomalous properties individually. RPC-916 manifests whenever an individual,
hereafter referred to as the subject, has been successfully displaced temporally, through
any means, for the first time. As a result, possession of RPC-916 is considered
to be a reliable assessment of whether an individual is or has been temporally displaced. RPC-916 manifests near-instantaneously within
three (3) meters of the subject after temporal displacement has been completed. All RPC-916 instances are written in a casual
tone through relatively simple words with the subject’s native language and do not utilize
technical terms. RPC-916 also frequently diverges from the
topic of temporal displacement, with certain instances possessing less than 10% useful
information. The topics of which RPC-916 instances diverge
into varies with each instance. See Addendum 916.1 for excerpts of RPC-916. Furthermore, RPC-916 instances are proportioned
to fit within whichever storage methods the subject may have on hand, ranging from pockets
to suitcases. The dimensions of retrieved RPC-916 instances
range from 52mm*74mm to 864mm*1118mm. Additionally, all RPC-916 instances provide
information related to the time period, such as appropriate clothing, currency, language,
and geopolitical structure. It is currently unknown whether RPC-916 is
created instantaneously, or is merely produced in an unknown location and transported to
the subject. Due to the nature of temporal anomalies, whether
both scenarios have differences is currently debated. RPC-916 lists the author as “Aurelia Agustalis”
and a publishing year of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Moreover, all RPC-916 instances possess a
number on the reference page, theorized to represent the sequence of what when the the
displacement occurred relative to other displacements. Discovery: RPC-916 was initially discovered
on 08/11/1923 by Authority forces after the discovery of a temporally displaced individual
in Munich, Germany. However, RPC-916 would be disregarded as a
non-anomalous until the second discovery of a temporally displaced individual on 29/10/1929,
where another instance of RPC-916 was retrieved. 37 instances of RPC-916 have been retrieved
and documented since. It is estimated that there are currently 17’000
instances of RPC-916 in existence. Addendum 916.1 The following are excerpts from certain RPC-916
instances, arranged according to the labelling number. All excerpts have been translated to English. Object: RPC-916-1138 Date of Retrieval: 07/12/48 Estimated Date of Origin: 2060s Language: English(Slight deviations) Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaThis is why you must make sure you’re clean. Like, really clean. Think the literal opposite of a Roman tax
collector. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind me ripping a new
asshole from my tax collector, no? That motherfucking son of a bitch stole 20
Solidus from me and Cassius! This is bullshit! I don’t make any money, do I? I’m not getting paid writing this stuff, you
know? Anyways, I’m digressing. Your shoes, glasses, augs, clothes? All need to go. Instead, just kill a Frenchman and take his
clothes. It won’t look nice, and certainly won’t smell
nice, but will certainly help you. Besides, the first guy you’ll meet is going
to be dead in 30 days. Might as well accelerate the process. What, killing is bad? Boo fucking hoo. Once you’ve got your clothes, your boots,
and your horse, you collapse and die. Why? That’s because you still don’t have immunity
to many diseases. Humanity may have eradicated smallpox 80 years
ago, but these people are from the 1810s. Hell, the plague is actually a thing.Object: RPC-916-1729 Date of Retrieval: 06/04/73 Date of Origin: 1973 Language: Modern Italian, incorporating a
disproportionally high amount of German loanwords Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaYou look old. Wearing clothes that makes you look like a
hag doesn’t help. What will help, though, is money and a clothes
store. It’s amazing how much dumb shit the fashion
industry can vomit out in 20 years, no? What do you mean you don’t have money? Just sell the time machine! Stranded? Who cares? Fucking entitled boomers! Always expecting the world to be handed on
them on a silver platter! Back before we invented the wheel, we just
pushed shit! How much shit should I shove up your ass before
even try to make this work? Deep breaths, Aurelia. Deep breaths. Remember what Cassius told you about not freaking
out against lazy entitled boomers?Object: RPC-916-2018 Date of Retrieval: 12/12/41 Date of Origin: Unknown Language: Unknown(Cyrillic-based) Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaYou may [guess], how many other [travelers]
have I [met]? The answer is that it’s above your [authority]
to know. Do I know how many [travelers] I’ve written
for? That’s also above you. [Unknown] you. Besides, I don’t know. Maybe [a] thousand? [Ten] thousand? A [unknown unit of number]? I’ve written so many I don’t [unknown] know. So mind your own [unknown] business. Maybe this [horn?whistle?] will also work
on you. A [traveler] told me only whores and [homosexuals]
could hear it, which explains why I can. God, I miss being a [unknown profession]. If you don’t believe in [Venus?] then you
should come over and look at me. Yeah. Good [unknown] luck finding me, you [unknown
insult].Object: RPC-916-3014 Date of Retrieval: 11/07/03 Date of Origin: 2018 Language: Modern Traditional Chinese Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle LeungWhat To Do If You Shoot Your Fucking Grandfather So you want to be like that guy from Back
to the Future then? You want to fuck your own mother? Fine, I don’t kink-shame. What I do shame, however, is creating [paradoxes]. Shooting your grandfather is one. Castrating your grandfather or turning your
grandfather [homosexual] is another. Try putting those images out of your head. Rule one of killing or castrating or buttfucking
your grandfather is don’t do it. Rule two is to go back in time and do it again,
goddamnit. Maybe it will double down and un-kill, un-castrate,
or un-buttfuck your grandfather. Or maybe it will un-kill, un-castrate, and
un-buttfuck your grandfather at the same time. I’ve seen all three happen, why the hell can’t
it all happen at once? God, I am too [high] for this shit.Object: RPC-916-3014 Date of Retrieval: 11/07/03 Date of Origin: 2018 Language: Modern Traditional Chinese Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle LeungContents: 1: How To Know What You Can Change
2: How To Know What To Wear 3: How to Look Mundane As Hell
4: How To Make A Shitload Of Money 5: How To Make A Fuckton Of Money
6: What To Do If You Shoot Your Fucking Grandfather 7: How To Find Other Timelords Like You
8: How To Get Your Shitload Of Money Back To You
9: How To Avoid Being Caught By The PCAAO 10: What To Do If You Catch Smallpox
11: Your TravelsObject: RPC-916-7689 Date of Retrieval: 15/12/59 Date of Origin: Unknown Language: Hybrid(Modern Swahili, mid-18th
century French, and Modern English) Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaI know that in the future the Vanguards calls
this 916. Maybe you can sell it to them and get a million
[currency]. What, that’s not enough? Fuck you! What can you not do with a million fucking
[currency]? If I had a million [currency] I’d make a [container]
of gold and swim in it every day! What the hell are you actually going to do
with the object anyway? Conquer the world? What good is that? The problem with the world is that it’s free
admission, you know? Any idiot can just be born without directly
paying an entrance fee! Aurelia, you’re digressing again. Ok. Back to the topic of finding [anomalies]. The [organization] of what they called “The
Information Age” with the most documentation is the Authority. And those [idiots] are so jumbled up in their
web of bullshit! I’ve been there, [unknown] to a high enough
position, and I still can’t access the files! Some of their [files] appear and disappear! Some of the files are definitely deliberate
disinformation! There are outdated files still floating around
for some reason! I swear, one day I found several entries titled
“001”, each with their own enforced containment protocols, and the next day they were all
just gone! The cells were fucking empty! If you’re from the Authority and are reading
this, can you please put your shit together? You have a web of bullshit and it’s not going
to last long!Object: RPC-916-8964 Date of Retrieval: 27/02/92 Date of Origin: 2020s Language: Modern English Researcher in charge: Researcher Turtle LeungDon’t wanna be an American idiot
Don’t want a nation under the new media And can you hear the sound of hysteria? The subliminal mind-fuck America Welcome to a new kind of tension
All across the alien nation Where everything isn’t meant to be okay
Television dreams of tomorrow We’re not the ones who’re meant to follow
For that’s enough to arguePlease view the RPC-916 Extended Logs for
further declassified and translated manifestations of RPC-916. Addendum 916.2 On 18/02/73, an experiment involving RPC-███
resulted in the temporal displacement of CSD-7689 by 0.03 seconds, during which an instance
of RPC-916 was manifested. The contents of the RPC-916 differed considerably
from conventional RPC-916 instances, with a tone of formality and being addressed towards
the Authority. Object:RPC-916-█████ Date of Retrieval: 18/02/73 Date of Origin: [N/A] Language: Modern English Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaAn Open Letter To The Authority Greetings. I do not know of the amount of RPC-916 instances
under the jurisdiction of your organization. Nor do I know of your capacity for protecting
temporal anomalies. However, with the recent advancements in temporal
technology by your organization, I can only conclude that the Authority, having traveled
far from the days of the Vanguard of Hercules, is now capable of controlled temporal displacement
and is therefore worthy of this particular document. Congratulations. Now, the question of whether similar instances
were composed for other Groups of Interest may be upon you. And the answer is “no”. Allow me to explain. While the Authority is far from the most influential
anomalous organizations of history, or even the “modern” era, the Authority is (or at
least becomes) the largest organization for the protection of anomalies. Other Groups of Interest are either focused
on the utilization of such anomalies to further their goals or the destruction of anomalies. The most “protective” organizations of recent
eras either protect the anomalies from society with limited regard for the well-being of
such anomalies or preserve such anomalies solely for the sake of research. After research is complete, destruction still
follows. As such, I believe that your organization
is the most optimal choice for such a document. Individuals and items like myself possess
a “special” quality, a quality which could easily be exploited at the expense of us. Your organization is the one that will protect
us. Not just the protection of the worldview,
but the protection of temporal anomalies. To ensure the anomalies remain safe. There is only a limited amount of influence
an intoxicated individual capable of composing and creating 916 instances can do to advise
temporally displaced individuals. The burden is yours alone. Respectfully,
Aurelia AgustalisAttempts to replicate the aforementioned experiment
have been unsuccessful. A proposal for the formation of a division
specializing in temporal anomalies was voted on 22/02/73, with a vote of [DATA EXPUNGED]. All currently declassified RPC-916 instances
have been documented within this file. Translations into Modern English have been
made wherever possible. Object: RPC-916-0937 Date of Retrieval: 05/12/1944 Date of Origin: Unknown Language: Tap Code presented with linear coordinates,
utilizes an unknown combination of English and German. Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaWelcome! I’m sure you’re confused as fuck as to what
in the [goddamn] is going on. You should be, because you’ve just time traveled. Yes, you have just time traveled. No, you are not going to become god-emperor-[unknown]-Führer-president
of the universe. Jesus fuck, wake the hell up. Unless you’re coked out of your tits, in which
case you’re hopeless. Do. You. Even. Know. Where. You. Fucking. Are. Maam. Yes? Great! This is your first step on an adventure. Onto the next chapter of your miserable, wretched
life. What will you see? Will you slit the throat of [unknown name]
for kicking you in the [reproductive organ] when you were 15? Will you travel the chronology, just to forget
it all after one bad acid trip? Or will you stay lying here, with your [clothing]
over your neck and your [hands? fingers?] in your [reproductive organ], getting
yourself high off [unknown drug]? For fuck’s sake, you’re a fucking time traveler! Get the fuck up! Do something relevant! Or at least jump towards me so that I can
kill you and gain your power or something! Fuck me, of all the people that somehow manage
to time travel, a coked out, publicly [masturbating] woman is not one of them. I need a vacation.Object: RPC-916-1138 Date of Retrieval: 07/12/1948 Estimated Date of Origin: 2060s Language: English(Slight deviations) Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaTo anyone not in the chronological community
who’s stolen this: fuck you. And your sister. And whatever pets you may own. I’ll surgically attach a penis to myself so
I can fuck the mother of whoever caused the leak as retribution for letting anyone know
about my work. Unless that’s me, in which case, fuck me. That’s Macedonian celestial beings-level of
fucked up. You know what, I’m going to preemptively forgive
myself for leaking The Time Traveller’s Handbook. Time travel, bitch. That’s totally how it fucking works. Unless this preemptive forgiveness causes
me to not leak the Handbook, which means that I won’t preemptively forgive myself for leaking
The Time Traveller’s Handbook. Which means I’ll end up leaking The Time Traveller’s
Handbook. Fuck, this is confusing. I need to be more stoned for this.Object: RPC-916-1319 Date of Retrieval: 14/02/1966 Estimated Date of Origin: Unknown Language: Unknown script composed of engraved
hexagonal patterns Researcher in charge: Dr. Castiel ShumTime travel is [confusing]. I’ve said this a [unknown amount] of times
towards an [unknown amount] amount of people, but you are not [intoxicated] enough for this
[expletive]. This is why you would [require/need] an effective
mentor to guide you in your adventures in the [chronology], but instead you’re stuck
with me. There are many, many, risks associated with
time travel. Most of whom have fucked me in the ass and
none of whom will concern you because you don’t need them to fuck yourself in the ass. The best course of action against those risks
is [digging] your head in the sand and pretending they don’t exist. It’s not exactly [honorable], but hey, it
[expletive] works and that’s all that matters, right? Also, [expletive] you for silently judging
me for sticking my head into the sand. Besides, fuck those people and their so-called
[honor]. Other guy’s bowing out of respect? Kick it in the [reproductive organ] and stab
it. What? It [expletive] works! How else am I expected to operate with such
risks and only be buttfucked by nearly everything? Look, ask the dead whether they care about
honor. Or just try time traveling with your honor
and let’s see to what extent does your [anus] [expand]. Most likely a lot more than mine.Object: RPC-916-1729 Date of Retrieval: 06/04/1973 Date of Origin: 1973 Language: Modern Italian, incorporating a
disproportionally high amount of German loanwords Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaThey say that Falernian wine is the good stuff. “Oh, it’s sweet! Oh, all the cool kids like it! Oh, it’s made by Falernus!” Firstly, the effectiveness of a wine is based
on how much you can forget. Secondly, I don’t give a shit about the cool
kids. They can shove those grapes up their collective
asses. Thirdly, it tastes and looks like shit while
being effected temporally. Fourthly, who the fuck is Falernus and why
should I care about him? Did he kill Caesar? No. Does he pay me to write this shit for you? No. Does he have a massive penis? No. Then why should I give a shit about him? Hell, I’m the writer of The Time Traveler’s
Handbook and I don’t have a fucking wine named after me! You know what, one day I’ll make my own fucking
wine, called Aurelian Wine or something. Maybe it will be made out of piss, rum, [unknown],
and put into a barrel for a thousand years, waiting for someone to dig it out. I wonder when I’ll retire. I wonder IF I’ll retire. Well, fuck you for not letting me retire so
that I can piss in a barrel.Object: RPC-916-2215 Date of Retrieval: 23/02/2016 Date of Origin: Mid-2013 Language: Japanese featuring only Hiragana
and Kanji, with words in Katakana substituted by Korean and Traditional Chinese Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle LeungI know nobody there wants to talk about Lucillus,
but I cannot believe Marcus actually went on with it! That fucking madman! I thought Marcus was just splattering semen
over a stone when he said he was going to create life with marble! And the next thing I know, Lucillus now fucking
exists! What the hell are we going to do about it? Are we going to get our chisels and start
hammering Lucillus away? I thought the Vanguard contained and destroyed
anomalies! What the fuck, man? If it’s not too much trouble, would you mind
blowing Marcus the fuck up? Or castrating Marcus’ [grandfather]? Or buttfucking Marcus’ [grandfather]? At this stage, I’d say fuck whatever paradoxes
we may create. You know what? I’m probably going to drown my sorrows away. End of chapter, writer needs to take a [alcohol]
break. I’ll be in the corner of the room, crying,
if you need me.Object: RPC-916-3014 Date of Retrieval: 11/07/2003 Date of Origin: 2018 Language: Modern Traditional Chinese Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle LeungThere are a lot of reasons why people want
to time travel. I’ve had to write for people searching for
adventure (who usually die first, so I don’t know why I’m even fucking writing for those
idiots), people who want to find “love” or whatever (which, again, is fucking stupid. Time travel won’t make you less of a nice
guy, incel, or nice girl. And then they try to pin it on me for being
responsible for their lack of pussy or cock.), yadda yadda yadda. Then, there’s the person who wants to make
money. I suppose you are one of them, no? Yes, I know you like money. So do I. And so does my motherfucking son of a bitch
tax collector, who stole 20 Solidus from me and Cassius, and then conveniently [chugged]
a new [bottle] of wine. If it’s not too much trouble, feel free to
find him and piss in his [bottle]. I mean, goddamnit! I could have gotten a new [typewriter?] for
20 Solidus! But now, I’m stuck with the useless piece
of shit that I have right now! You know what, this is your fault! If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t have to write
this shit, would I? I don’t get paid for this! Ok, Aurelia. Back to the topic of getting a “shitload”
of money. I’ve heard of people burying meds and augs
into the floorboards, and then sending them back in time. Not sure what happened to them. Maybe they went mad over the existence of
meds and augs and got coked out of their tits. Maybe the Vanguard intercepted them. Or maybe some kind of time cop killed them. Fuck, I don’t know. I’m a writer, not a professional heister.Object: RPC-916-4557 Date of Retrieval: 19/05/1963 Date of Origin: 1000-800 B.C. Language: Hebrew, combined with an unknown
alphabet system Paleo-Hebrew alphabet. Researcher in charge: Dr. Castiel ShumI mean, people like [money]. Myself included. Don’t get too surprised that people use time
travel as a way to steal stuff. Look, I like money. The sight of [unknown quantity] of coins dropping
on the floor, and the [metallic] sounds that they make may or may not cause [stimulation? orgasm?] for me. Hey, don’t judge me. For the record, I [neither confirm nor deny]
that I am capable of controlled [chronological] displacement. And [neither confirm nor deny] that I possessed
any significant role in the missing of [unknown] bottles of 2100-year-old [wine]. And [neither confirm nor deny] having [consumed? chugged?] [unknown number] bottles of 2100-year-old
[wine], you [expletive]. That’s for the [time] [prefects? enforcers?] who will probably steal this book
because you were a [expletive] idiot and got yourself caught by someone. Only kidding. I don’t think there are any [time] [prefects? enforcers?] out there. At least, I haven’t found any. Either that, or I’ve just gotten away with
helping someone steal [unknown number] bottles of [wine]. Oh well, I have heard rumors of someone getting
buttfucked by some kind of [law enforcement?] while stealing stuff in the [chronology]. Which would be FUCKING GREAT. More stuff for us to get buttfucked by. Then again, you won’t need [time] [prefects? enforcers?] to get yourself fucked. You’re perfectly capable of doing so yourself.Object: RPC-916-5191 Date of Retrieval: 05/06/2010 Date of Origin: Unknown Language: Composed of numbers between 46 and
127 in binary, representing an unknown variation of Spanish mixed with late-18th Century Teochiu
pronunciations. Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle LeungFucking [tourists], man! Do you know how much bloody trouble they create! Even the ones that are just visiting! “Oh! Let me just stand right here! What in the fuck could possible fucking go
wrong?” And the next thing they know, the goddamned
Empresa2 is [ignited]! Like, just how fucking stupid do you have
to be, such that the timeline actively tries to kill you? And don’t even get me started on the tourists
that buy stuff for the sake of it! Come on, you’re raiding the prices of fucking
everything! A bottle of wine shouldn’t cost 4 Solidus,
but it fucking does! Why is that? It’s all these tourists with their inflated
currencies killing my economy! Just, goddamnit! Let me have my reasonabally priced wine by
the [unknown unit of volume], you fucking pricks! Why do I even care that much? It’s not like you could possibly fuck me over,
right? Unless, you come over and find me. In which case, don’t bother. In fact, actively avoid me. If you ever come by, just look the other way
and start running away. Because I said so. As far as you’re concerned, I am a [fictional]
being stuck inside this book, ok? Well, it certainly didn’t stop that fucker
with his weird suit and [homosexual?] hat. One second, the wine cellar was empty and
I was [typing] away, and that motherfucker shows up! Like, fucking hell! I could have been [unknown] at the time! What the fuck do you want and what’s wrong
with just fucking knowking on my fucking door? And why did you just teleport into my wine
cellar? It’s my fucking wine! Get the hell out of there, you asshole! Asked him kindly what in the fuck he was doing
there. No response. Just kept writing away like a fucking loser. Then I flipped him off. And he said “hud dur questions are bullshit
fuck you you fucking [unknown explective]”. Ok, I may have exaggerated what he said by
“a bit”. Then I pulled my [unknown weapon] and fired
at him, at which point he pussied out and [demanifested]. Yeah, run the fuck away, you little bitch.Object: RPC-916-6942 Date of Retrieval: 21/12/1968 Date of Origin: 1960s Language: English and French Researcher in charge: Dr. Castiel ShumYou’re stuck in West Germany at the moment,
and can’t seem to teleport anywhere, right? So, let’s see where you can go chronologically
without getting absolutely fucking mauled, bombed, crusaded, buttfucked, robbed, mutilated,
burned at the stake, crucified, ampultated, or imprisoned! How joyous! Right. We can’t go there(1950s), that’s full of rubble;
and not there(late 1940s), that’s full of beggars, that’s(unspecified time period) on
fire, that’s(early 1930s to mid 1940s) full of Nazis, and even more beggars, and even
more beggars; that’s(mid 1910s) going to get you drafted, that’s(1900s) full of nationalists
that will fucking maul you for speaking French, and even more nationalists that will fucking
maul you for speaking French, that’s(1870s) full of Prussians and French trying hard to
kill each other, and then(1860s) Prussians and Austrians trying hard to kill each other,
and then(late 1840s) Prussians trying to kill each other. You know what, maybe staying in the present
is a good idea.Object: RPC-916-7689 Date of Retrieval: 15/12/1959 Date of Origin: Unknown Language: Hybrid(Modern Swahili, mid-18th
century French, and Modern English) Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa BellaLet’s see how this whole fucking thing works. There’s the “Closed Loop” theory, which basically
means that time is a closed loop and you can’t change anything about it, because you didn’t
on the first go. You can’t kill or castrate or buttfuck your
grandfather, because you didn’t on the first go. Then there’s the “branching universe” thing,
which suggests that time splits every time a decision is made and there are therefore
an infinite amount of universes. This is pretty much bullshit, since you fuckers
probably change a shitload of stuff and Cassius stays the same. Same height, same wine preferences, same penis
size. No fucking thanks to you guys, by the way. There’s also the “time moves slower when you
move quickly” part where time goes slower as you go faster. This one I’ve head of in future [vessels],
so it’s at least somewhat true. You can’t however, kill or castrate or buttfuck
your grandfather. I’ve also heard of the story of someone being
stuck in a temporal loop, where you redo the same time period for some reason. No idea why, just that they do. People do some really crazy shit when they’re
stuck in a time loop, no? Lots of orgies down there, so let’s look somewhere
else. Look, it’s a fucking mess out here, ok? People have been trying to figure out what
the fuck time is and how it fucking works since the dawn of fucking time! And we are no closer to getting how in the
goddamn does it work! Ahhh! Sweet mother of fuck! Even I, the author of The Goddamned Time Traveler’s
Handbook haven’t a fucking clue! All I know is, don’t go past 10’000 B.C. I don’t know why, but nobody ever comes back
from heading there. Maybe there’s a giant monster that eats everyone,
maybe the gods consider that off limit and buttfuck(probably literally, they’re a bunch
of fucked up people) anyone who gets there. I don’t know, man. Fuck.Further translations of RPC-916 instances
are currently underway from Head Researcher Leung. Expect the next batch of translations to be
completed by late June or early July. If it doesn’t come up blame the people in
charge of the declassification paperwork. -Head Researcher Leung

16 thoughts on “RPC-916 The Time Traveler’s Handbook | Beta-Yellow | Chronological / Sapient Hazard rpc

  1. Somehow I think that if I had to see / protect all these time traveling knuckle dragging [geniuses] with extremely [amazing] plans and schemes, just to see them [fail] up in the most [simplistic] ways ever, I'd be just as much of a frustrated [helper] as Aurelia Agustalis

  2. Drunken girl time travels, writes book, bitches about everything, drinks all the wine.

    Sounds about what a teenage girl would do with time travel. Confusing to listen to but overall amusing.

  3. I feel like I’m missing a reference or in-joke or something – otherwise, this one just seems stupid for the sake of being stupid.
    Good reading, though, even if the article itself is “meh”.

  4. Rpcs suck. And I completely support the anti LGBSCP pedo FAGGOTRY of the rainbow terrorists taking over back then… But rpc still sucks could have done way better

  5. I have a life hack for the writer of RPC-916

    1: make wine

    2: burry wine

    3: go forward 100 years

    4: recover wine

    5: go back 100 years

    6: chug

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