-I always love having you
on the show. And I know that you flew
all the way from London to come here to do our show.
-Yeah. -So I do appreciate that. Do you — Do you mind
traveling like that? Is that — -Well, honestly,
I shouldn’t complain. It doesn’t get any better. I go first class.
But, yeah, it’s lovely. And yet there’s always someone
that can still annoy me. There’s always — It doesn’t
matter where you are, honestly. It’s like — Right. So, last time — Flying back
last time I did this show, I got on a plane,
we’re on the runway, right? Again, first class. Lovely. There was a guy
just there next to me. And he was yawning like this… [ Yawning loudly ] So, I looked at him, right?
Like that. And then he did it again. [ Yawning loudly ] So I checked that he didn’t have
anything wrong with him, right? Like, that would have been
embarrassing, like, you know? And then — People are
looking around, as well. And I was going
like that, right? And then —
And he was about sort of 55. And then about the 15th time
he went… [ Yawning loudly ]
…I went, “Excuse me, mate. Can you do it without
the noise at the end?” -You really said that to him?
=Yeah, and he went, “Oh, sorry.” And then I thought, “Oh, I got
7 hours next to him now.” Right, okay, so,
I was in a restaurant, right? And it was
a lovely restaurant, right? It was nice and quiet. I eat about 6:00 p.m.,
so it’s nice and quiet. And the waiter came over, and every time, he sort of
walked back and forth. He just went — [ Snorts ] [ Laughter ] And I was going —
And Jane was going… So I was going, “Ugh!”
Every time he did it. [ Snorts ] Ugh! Like that. There was woman on the plane
that annoyed me because she was
too tired, right? She was sort of young, right? And she got up
and went to the toilet. She walked past me.
And she was sort of doing that. She was too tired, like that.
I wanted to go… “[Bleep] open your eyes.
What are you doing?” [ Laughter ] -“You’re a grown woman.
Come on.” Is your whole family funny? Is everybody funny
in the family? -I think so.
I remember growing up, it was, like, the first thing
that I — You know, everyone had a laugh.
My older brother, Bob. It was — I think he was my first
experience of people saying and doing what they
wanted it to be funny. And he sort of got away with it
somehow. And we had a real great — I talk about him in
my old stand-up, “Humanity.” He’s about 11 years older
than me. And he once spent an hour
in the 99-cent store just asking the cashier
how much everything was, right? Until this poor guy
was having a breakdown. He was having a breakdown. At my — my dad’s funeral,
we were all outside. No, it’s funny stuff, right? We were outside
in the graveyard. And I think Bob was having
a cigarette, right. And our Uncle Mick came along. And we hadn’t seen Uncle Mick
for like about 20 years, right? The last time we saw him, he was
about 50, and now he’s about 70. And he hadn’t aged well. Right?
So, he walks up, right? And this old man,
he went, “Hello, boys.” And Bob sort of looked at him
and recognized him and sort of went, “Jesus.”
Like that, right? And then Bob looked around
the graveyard and said, “Is there any point
in you going home?” [ Laughter ] -That’s a good joke.
-Yeah, I know. -That’s a good joke.
-But Bob would say anything. We had a simple rule. “If you think of something
funny, you’ve got to say it.” He — Right. You’ll probably
have to bleep this. So, we’re all
in the car once, right. Bob was driving,
and we just got a random sort of stop,
like a security check, right? And the copper sort of
looked in the window, said, “Where are you off to?”
And we said, “Bognor.” And he went, “Will you
just open the trunk, please?” And he looked in the trunk. And then he came up
to Bob’s window again. And he had one of those sort of
mirrors with a stick on it, just looking under the car
like that. And as he did that,
his helmet fell off. And out of the helmet
fell like 20 cigarettes. And the copper just went, “Oh.” Just being nice,
he just said to Bob, “I bet you always wondered
what we kept under our helmets.” And Bob went, “I knew
it wasn’t [bleep] brains.” [ Laughter ] Why did he say —
Why did he say that? -To a cop.
-Why did he say it? -Oh, my gosh.
He just had to say it. -He just had to say it, yeah. -You look good.
-[ Laughs ] -I mean, every time we come on,
we — No, you do. No, every time you come on.
-You got to say that. -No, I don’t have to say it
because I wouldn’t — -I’m wearing black.
It’s slimming. It can’t work miracles, but — I’m a year closer to death
than last time I saw you. That’s it.
-Come on. -Every time I see you, I’m
slightly closer to death, right? One day, you’re going to ask me
how I am, and I’m literally just going to
be dead in the chair, right? -No, come on.
-I don’t worry about it anyway. I don’t care.
-You don’t? -No, I don’t worry
about being dead. You don’t know about it. That’s
the best thing about being dead. You don’t know about it. It’s like being stupid.
It’s only painful for others. So I don’t care. I don’t care.
I don’t — I don’t care.